last night i started my meds that were prescribed for me from the doctor. one is welbutrin which i have taken before and the other is a blood pressure med to help me with my nightmares(i have never heard of that before). i took the blood pressure med last night like i am supposed to. i woke up this morning at my normal time of 330 am and could barely stand. i felt weak and VERY shaky. i ended up going back to bed and sleeping til 5. so i am a little late for work but its no biggie since i dont really have anything to do except tear down a room and maybe set a mic.

my wish list



the only addition to this list is that i want a copy of the susan boyle cd.

well i went to my first pysch dr appointment yesterday. it left me with a feeling of why in the hell am i doing this? its pretty bad when you tell a doctor you dont like doctors, they make you nervous and that doctor says well the work is all on you and i am just going to be here for the ride.
in the meeting, she asked me what i thought she should do and i said honestly i dont know. you are just going to tell me what every other doctor has told me, i know what to do, i just cant do it. and then she tells me she is just on for the ride.
she said she wanted to see how meds would work for my depression and my nightmares. she prescribed me welbutrin(which i have tried before and it didnt help, i told her that, but she wanted to try it anyway) and some blood pressure medication she said should help with my nightmares which just seem to be getting worse.

i left there with a feeling of hopelessness. why am i going to pay her money if the work is all on me and she is just along for the ride? i was on the verge of tears when i left. my mood got a little better through out the day, but not much. and my mood has just taken a nose dive today.

whats going to happen is i will be told i need to voice my feelings. well anyone who knows me knows i have a hard time doing that. i was brough up being taught i can be happy or mad nothing in between. it was practically beaten into me. i have a hard time if not impossible time telling people no(unless it involves me going somewhere) work used to be my escape, but lately i get even more upset here at work because people cant seem to put stuff away like they are supposed to and it falls on me to clean up. i am so freakin frustrated i just want to hit something.

the one bright spot is that starting next week til dec 9th i will be back at the doubletree. i like the people over there, i have fun with those people. and Tony will be on vacation. the downside is that for the third straight year i will be at work on thanksgiving rather than with family and those i love. course the argument could be well i am making double time which is good considering christmas is right around the corner.

man, and of course with christmas, there is little to no christmas spirit in me. i am starting to hate holidays i used to love and i hate it.

well with week ten behind us i am now 7-3. i am in second place behind Craig who is 7-2-1. this is the second best start for me in fantasy football history. the only time i was better was when i was 6-0 a few seasons ago. now if only i could get the Raiders to a decent record. The raiders are a horrible 2-7. i knew they would be bad, but man. i read finally that the coach benched russell. it is about time too. he has been a worthless quarterback. the raiders need to bring in some quarterback that has proven himself and get the job done. we wouldnt be in this mess if the raiders kept jeff garcia. he at least has proven he can win. grr

anyway, i started out talking about fantasy football and i will end there. it looks like i will be making the playoffs which is awesome. i have only made the playoffs once before and i have been playing this now for four years i think.

ok i am going through a very long phase lately where i have scary dreams. last night i had one that was a doozy and it was scary.

i was a kid and my friend was driving a suv type vehicle up to see the waterfall. the closer we got the more frightened i became. when we got really close i told my friend i didnt want to go anymore and we needed to turn around. the water was flooding the streets and with every passing block the water got higher and higher. he kept reassuring me we were fine. his vehicle had 4x4 and all the bells and whistles that would make sure we made it safely. we finally got to the ledge where we were going to see the waterfall. i kept telling him we needed to go and he kept reassuring me we were fine. We stopped and just before we got out of the car, something big broke above us and water cascaded down and i freaked out and told him we needed to go. he turned the car around. we got down the hill somehow. we went to a playground and played a little bit when all of a suddden these balls o light started attacking everyone. when someone was touched by the balls of light, they died and vanished.

anyone wanna help with the meaning of this????

I got home today to a great surprise. i got a fourth netflix movie. i dont know how or why, but it was a great surprise. it ended up being rent live on broadway. i am so glad i got it. first off let me say i love the movie. if some of you remember i wrote about how i felt like roger in the movie alone blah blah blah. well yeah i still feel that way. but i am more moved by this version of rent i want to find this version of rent and i HAVE to buy it. i was moved to tears., now granted it could be because i am dealing with the whole dxepression shit, but either way, this damn movie moved me to tears. i am amazed i only skipped one song. i always skip the song i cant stand it(one song glory) its the only song i cant stand it. anyway i know i am blabbing but it is an awesome movie and i want this movie and i hope that i dont cry everytime i see it. i want to have the faith in life that angel has. i am envious of that. well enough blabbing.

this is one of my most favorite movies of all time. any who have not seen it, you should.

anyway, i realized i am super envious of the main characters of the movie. they have a tight knit circle and can lean on each other whenever they need to. and the most important thing is they do lean on each other. while i have had and still do have people i can lean on, i dont. i dont like being a bother on people, i never have and never will. i see my leaning on people when i feel down and need someone to talk to as being a burden on those people. why deal with my shit when they either have their own stuff to deal with or things are going well for them? i have always been the one people go to when they are feeling down or need to talk. i find myself as roger in the beginning of the movie where he would rather hide from the world then enjoy those friendships he has with his inner circle.

i find myself in a tight spot. i know i need to go out and get to know people etc. but cant do it. i dont know how to let the walls around me down enough to let anyone know really anything about me. i live through the movies i watch. mainly musicals. singing the songs and acting as how i would if i were the person(s) singing. it is a sad life yes, but it gets me through i guess. that was one thing i had going when i was able to be in theater. i could escape into someone elses life, pain etc.

i want to thank those of you who have been trying to help me. i appreciate it more than you know. but please understand i have a hard time leaning on people, i always have. i try to put up airs that things are ok or are getting better(but i guess if you have been around me long enough you know that).

its been hell. it feels like it is going to get worse before it gets any better. but hey i guess that is how things go.

if anyone has any ideas let me know. there has to be some way for this to get better. i mean there has to be something for someone who doesnt like to go out and is scared to open himself to really anyone with what is wrong, doesnt like shrinks(sorry for the term)

i havent posted here for a while. i have been going through some really hard times lately. my head is not being right. i feel like i am at the end of my rope. i feel scared, worthless wondering why anyone even cares about me. i feel like a lousy person. i cry when i havent cried in a really long time. i cant handle a lot of things right now. i cant put my all into anything right now. i feel like nothing really brings me joy anymore. i enjoy spending time with my kids. i dont feel like i am doing right by them. i dont know what the hell is wrong with me. at least when i am at work, i can forget about things, or at least push them to the side and concentrate on the job. at home, alone there is nothing. its weird that my cat abby seems to know that things are wrong and she cant do anything about it except just be there in my lap. she plays with me until i get irratated at her biting my toes. i am at a loss as to how to make it better. people have suggested going to doctors etc. i guess i have lost faith in doctors. i have gone and talked about things and then shit doesnt work. i am tired of trying to fix it when it seems like it cant be fixed. i dont sleep because i am worried about millions of things, when i do sleep i am having nightmares like there is no tomorrow. i am tired of feeling like i have to put up a front with everyone. it just gets to the point where i breakdown. i cant do it anymore, but of course i will. that way people will at least think things are ok. a couple of weeks ago i think, i ended up cutting again. it was a way for me to at least focus on something else. i was watching a movie the other day that actually talked about why a character cut. they said it was an emotional release. and yeah in a way i guess i use it as such. i can deal with a physical pain a hell of a lot better than an emotional one. i can look at it and say that is what hurts. i can deal with that. i feel like i am at the end of my rope(i know i have said that before) i am just at a loss where to go from here.

today and sat i am back where i began. I am at the doubletree. it is great to be back. i missed the staff here. i also found out that tony is looking to move back to dc so hopefully that leaves this position open. i would so jump on it in a heart beat. granted the post oak is bigger blah blah blah, but i know this property, like this property and the staff.

i posted yesterday of John Hughes death. I read an article today about him on msn.com. it closed with probably the most memorable(i think at least) line from Ferris Bueller. "Life moves pretty fast, if you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." It made me think to all the Hugh's movies i have seen in my lifetime. i think i have seen nearly all of them with the acception of some of his 90s stuff which wasnt nearly as memorable as his 80s stuff. My favorite movie would have to be Ferris Bueller followed closely by the Breakfast Club. Hughes had a gift with showing us an ideal of what high school life could have been. Think about it. A group of kids who have nothing in common except they have detention on the same Saturday start off as cold as ice to each other, only to end up friends and in some instances dating. there was the smart alec student who got away with everything since he got along so well with everyone except the principle. Things we wanted to do, were done for us on the big screen. it is amazing to see what this man did. he wrote breakfast club in two days and it is still mentioned by anyone who grew up during the days of the 80s. Of course he is also known for the vacation movies. GREAT movies in themselves. Who else bu Chevy Chase could play Clark "Sparky" Griswold?
i will be sad knowing this man is no longer out there, waiting to produce his next big teen hit. it is conforting to know those movies of his are still with us to enjoy whenever we want to.

he wrote so many famous and funny lines. here are just a few of my favorite.
"pardon my french, but cameron is so tight, if you stuck a lump of coal up his ass in two weeks you;d have a diamond."
"he'll keep calling me, he'll keep calling me till i come over there. he'll make me feel guilty, i- this is- this is riduculous. ok i'll go, i'll go, i'll go wit i'll go."
"does barry manilow know you raid his wardrobe?"
"impossible sir, it's in johnson underwear."
"so what would you little maniacs like to do first?"


what are some of your favorite lines or movies of his?

i just found out john hughes director of the breakfast club and other iconic movies of the 80s died. it is a sad day in movie time.

sadly the raiders will be 4-13

ok last night i had 3 dreams that i can remember parts of. the first one has Col. Sanders from KFC becoming a Football coach/owner. He talks to the team telling them they can win because his name in Spanish means Good guy.
the second one has to do with Obama. He is seen with this twenty something woman at lunch. It turns out she is one of his daughters who came back from the future. Once people see him with this woman, they try to get him impeached. he threatens a guy who is trying to hack into his computer to get some info. obama tells the guy he can make him disappear if he messes with his computer.
the final one has to do with me living with the band The Electric Mayhem from the muppets. It turns out Zoot saves his change in a jar while Animal runs around the house on all fours(similar to a dog my family had when i was younger).
someone tell me what this means please?

i am totally into intergalatic travel! love sci fi stuff. in fact just finished ender in exile and it is a fantastic book....probably in my opinion the best in the whole series. i would like to discover other races, peaceful of course and learn from them everything i can.

this weekend(mine was tuesday and wednesday) when i had the kids, i started to feel like i was getting sick. i started getting a sore throat and the start of a cough. the stupid thing hit me full on last night after work. i got home and just started to shiver and started having a runny nose :( then when i went to bed, it got worse, cold then sweating hot then cold again. this morning i am fuzzy in the head can barely breathe through my nose and i am coughin ALOT!!! god i hate being sick!!! to top it off, i am working all day toiday from 8am - 930pm then tomorrow 8am-at least midnight(probably later with the strike we have to do in the ballroom). grr! oh well i can look at it like this, its a paycheck :).

this past weekend was fun. friday was long and hard. i worked from 1130 am to midnight but it was alright. Friday night Cj came over and picked me up from work that night. saturday i had to work at the doubletree so she took me there. on the way there, we came across a lot of cars that were blaring music so we decided to put in music not normally listened to here in texas, or at least not that we have heard in cars, we put in the Mamma Mia soundtrack and blared it and sung to it. it was a blast. after work on saturday, we went to go see angels and demons. i am not sure if i like it as much as i did the da vinci code. it wass faster paced and in my opinion that was the onbly thing it had going for it. i will say i cant wait for the third robert langdon book.....it is supposed to take place all within 12 hours. should be a great book :)
this memorial day i had the kids sunday and monday. we went to the pool, wrestled, played with toys, the boys met the next door neighbors kids. they were having all kinds of fun. it was a good weekend.

as of june 1st i am an employee of PSAV at the Hilton Post Oak in the Galleria area! i am excited and a little sad. i will miss everyone over at the Doubletree(with the exception of TOny;))

Ok, i have been working at the doubletree for going on three years...wow time flies. recently i was told that the hotel is not busy enough to have two employees so i will soon be moving to the post oak in the galleria area. i found out today that tony has hired a part time person for the doubletree...wtf? it makes no sense. am i wrong in thinking it would make more sense for me to be part time here and full time at the post oak? there would be no training at all etc.....someone explain this to me

i just got a compliment. a group that has been here since tuesday ended and the contact wanted to look at her bill to make sure it was correct. she looked at it and was pleased with it. she then said that she has worked with psav before in the past and has been frustrated with them for their lack of professionalism. she said she doesnt expect them to be perfect but as close as they can be. she said she was impressed with me, that i was caring and showed it with her group. she said she would make sure to contact the president of the company whom she has met in the past and let him know how good of a job i did with her group. :)